Tuesday, June 12, 2012


In the beginning I did not want to write anything down.  When you write things down they seem real.  

One month.
Time stopped.  Now it is slowly creeping forward even if I am not ready.
My world will be forever changed.

 In the beginning it was raw pain.  A pain so deep it was almost too much to bare.  
Then there was anger, hurt, and confusion...
Questions we will never have answers too.  Regrets that will linger.  
If I called you back, would I have known?  Did you really know how much we all loved you?
Then comes the overwhelming sadness.  
A realization when you wake up each morning that it is not a dream.  This really happened. 
I can no longer call you and hear your cheerful voice.  I can't see you rolling around on the ground with my children, laughing and playing.  I can't hug you and hear you tell me "I love you Jewel." 

I think of you as I play with my children.  I think of you as I kneel with them to pray each night.  I think of you when they are sleeping as I look at picture after picture and try to remember every single memory that I have with you in it.  I think of the future.  How I can't imagine a world without you in it.  I can't imagine my children growing up not knowing you and the amazing brother, uncle, friend, and man that you are.  I think about how every family meal, holiday, birthday, milestone, and occasion will never be the same.  There will be an empty chair at the table. 

They say that time heals all wounds.  I am starting to think that it does not heal it, but that you get more used to the pain.  Life goes on.  I feel this emptiness inside that cannot be replaced, but I have a role to play.  I am a wife and mother.  A daughter and friend.  So I wake up each morning and tend to the day. 

I am a better person because of you.  You may have been my younger brother but you have taught me more about love, kindness, and service than I could have every taught you.  You put aside your sorrows and served.  You did not want to see anyone hurting and because of that so many were blessed.  I look at the world with new eyes now and hope that I can make an impact on others as you have. 


  1. I can't believe it has been a month. So hard to believe. I am sure this was painful to write. What a great tribute you have paid to your brother. I can't even imagine the pain and the emptiness you feel. You are one strong woman who continues to amaze me. May the Lord continue to give you and your family the peace that only He can bring. I love you!

  2. I am so sorry for your loss. Even though I didn't know Nathan, I have been thinking about you and your family a lot ever since I heard the news. I can't even imagine what you have all been going through. It has made me think of my own siblings and children and what they mean to me. I hope that this helps pull the rest of your family closer together as you share your grief as well as your happy memories. I am so grateful for the gospel and hope that you have been able to and continue to feel peace and comfort through the Atonement.

  3. Beautifully written Julie. I couldn't imagine what you must be going through right now. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care and know I'm always here if you need anything!

  4. Oh Julie, you have been on my mind so much lately. I'm so sorry for the suffering I'm sure you and your family are going through. I lost my brother about twelve years ago and I promise it does get easier. He's so lucky to have a family that loves him so much and will never forget him.

  5. Julie, What a blessing it is to have you in our family! We love you so much. I think of you every day and wish I could take the pain away for you. When ever I would see Nate he would always ask how I was doing and was always interested in how we were . I loved to see him play with all the kids.I know this is hard and hopefully it will get a little bit easier each day. I know the scriptures and prayer have helped me in hard times and also just keeping busy. Love you with all my heart! Hugs!!!

  6. I am so thankful for eternal families. The thought of reuniting as families makes it almost bearable, if only just a pinch. I am so grateful to know your wonderful family. Nate was so good to Rachel. And I really appreciate your family's graciousness in including her when we were there. She really needed that. She thought the world of him. He is such a sweet spirit, I wish I had had the opportunity to know him personally. - Valerie Murphy